But how can I tell him, that I’ve been sick of dealing with myself since this all started, years ago?

I’ll write about something less depressing tomorrow. It’s 2 AM. I need to meditate, and then I need to sleep.

2 hard boiled eggs

chicken strips from A&W.

I’m never eating this much again.

Tomorrow, I am fasting.

Why is it that I find it inexplicably impossible to like myself?

In 6th grade, I was formally introduced to Wicca by my dad’s girlfriend. I began collecting info in a binder, that I took everywhere with me for fear of my super-christian stepdad finding it.

I later found 2 friends who also had an interest in it, and so I lent them my makeshift BOS . However, one of their parents found it and took it to the principal. Who then told me that I should go back to Christianity, saying a few things here and there about heathen and evil.

I didn’t pay much attention, ha ha! For a year or two, I stopped being vocal about my beliefs. I had a few rituals of my own, but for the most part I was an atheist, for fear of being in trouble again.

By 8th grade, I didn’t really care enough about anyone else so I started studying again. I was studying Paganism, Hinduism, and politics as if I were ravenous and the information was food. I never claimed a religion, though, finding it too risky. I also started learning German, Latin, brushed up on my French and Japanese, and started taking my art more seriously.

And so it went until last year, 11th grade, when I came across a version of Satanism called “Spiritual Satanism“. I was a Spiritual Satanist until I uncovered a few things about the owner of that website having to do with Nazis, and had a good look around at the general populace and saw that it was either teenagers with too much hate or grown ups with too many prejudices. I became an atheist again, then, and avoided anything religious for a few months.

After a while, as I was taking a walk outside, a certain wind inspired me and made me think of a Goddess I had become fond of when researching spiritual satanism, Lilith.

She has been my Patroness since then, through thick and thin. I am still searching for a patron, though.

And that’s about it! :D

One part of me wants to only have 200 calories tomorrow, the part that is scared that I’ll actually gain weight from this. It’s nerve racking, even though I lost a pound yesterday. I’m currently at 175, which is what my starting point would have been if it weren’t for last week’s stress binge. It’s fine, though, I can do it.

In aerobics today, we did a weight-lifting video. Yeah, I’m sore. But I love stretching my back, arms, shoulders and chest so it feels so great. I’d do more work with weights if I had any. D:

Tonight’s deal for workouts: 50-100 jumping jacks, 200 crunches, 200 reverse crunches, 50 sit ups, 200 inner thighs, 200 outer thighs, 5-10 minutes running in place, 15 pushups, 50 releves, 200 plies.

Thank the gods spring break is coming up- I could use the sleep.

My boyfriend spends a lot of time wondering if he is weird, or why he does something. I spend a lot of time thinking about why I hate myself, what I hate about myself.

But really, shouldn’t we spend less time trying to understand ourselves? We are ourselves, and if we didn’t supress that so much, try to hide the true us, maybe we’d have more free time. Maybe we’d be less depressed and introverted.